Secrets
by Cehsja
Summary: Early Conby one-shot set just after season 1 AU. It's not that Abby doesn't like Connor's jokes and teasings, but sometimes she wants her friend to be serious too, because she's got a lot of secrets to trust him with.


"Connor, I'm off to yoga," Abby called after dinner as she grabbed her gear.

"Yeah, well, if you need help with some bending or stretching, give me a call," Connor teased. He offered the same thing every week when she went to yoga class and usually Abby ignored him in the way that such a comment deserved to be ignored.

Today though she was in a bit of a mood and she stopped short. "What was that?"

Connor immediately caught the tone of her voice and backtracked. "I just said to enjoy your class?" he responded meekly, the incantation of his voice telling her that it was a question, a question as to whether that was the correct answer or not.

"That's not what you said," Abby retorted, slamming her bag back down onto the floor.

"I was just joking around, Abs," Connor pleaded with her, not quite sure what she was so upset about.

"I _know _that!" And now she was yelling. "Every word that comes out of your mouth is always a joke, Connor. Why can't you just be serious for once?"

"You're mad at me because I have a good sense of humour?" Connor asked in disbelief.

"No," Abby defended herself, "It's not that. It's just, you don't _always _have to treat life like a big joke. Some things aren't funny, Con."

"And yoga is one of them?"

"Yes, no, I dunno, Connor. I'm upset with your attitude, not the comment per se."

Connor felt right puzzled and he didn't want to make things worse, so he stayed quiet and questioned her with his eyes instead. Abby hesitated and then walked over to sit by him on the couch. "Con, look, it's just… I'm tired, yeah? I woke up with bad dreams about my childhood and sometimes… sometimes I feel like I wish someone knew, like I could talk to someone about it."

"Abby, you can talk to me," Connor offered, hoping this is what she wanted.

"I can't though, Connor. I should be able to, you're my best friend and all, but I can't say _anything _to you without it being a joke somehow. I want to have serious conversations with you too sometimes, you know."

Instinctively, Connor started to make a light-hearted joke to cheer her up, but then fortunately thought better of it. "Abs," he reached tentatively for her hand and then squeezed it tightly when she didn't pull away. "I can be serious, Abby. Promise."

Abby searched his face and then quickly pulled her hand free from his to give him a quick hug, "Thanks Con. When I'm back from yoga? Can we talk then?"

Connor nodded, "Of course, Abby. We can talk anytime, yeah? Anytime you need me."

Abby kissed his cheek and grabbed her bag. Connor stared after her long after she was gone, wondering what he'd gotten into and hoping he was up to the task.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

An hour and a half later, Abby was back and found that Connor had already made her a cup of tea. She smiled at him shyly as she took a sip, but neither of them spoke at first. Finally Abby shrugged and looked at him, "Con, you know what, I'm pretty tired. Maybe we'll talk another time actually, yeah?"

Connor knew better though. Abby was backtracking now because she was suddenly feeling awkward, but there was things she needed to get out, things she wanted him to know, and he knew that if they didn't talk now, it'd probably never come up again. "Okay, Abs. Okay, we can talk later, but let's talk a little now too. Just tell me one thing."

"Like what?"

"Anything, Abby. Tell me any one fact about you that's something a best friend should know but nobody else."

"A secret you mean. Will you tell me one about you first?"

Connor nodded and then hesitated, wondering what would be appropriate. Finally he replied, "I'm mean to my sister."

Abby looked puzzled. "You _have _a sister? And… why?"

"I haven't actually met her, you know. She's my half-sister really and she's older than me. I didn't even know of her existence until I was eighteen. I found out all at once that me mum is my dad's second wife and he cheated on his first wife with her. He abandoned his first wife and daughter and while I was happy he "picked" me, I was always a bit ashamed of that. My sister tried to contact me, but I refused because I figured she'd be a reminder of my family history. She's asked a few times and I always ignore her. I feel mean about that. It wasn't her fault."

"When was the last time she tried to get a hold of you?"

Connor shrugged, "I guess six months ago? Dad said she wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I should see her, yeah? I should meet her, do you think?"

"Maybe," Abby agreed.

"She might not like me. I bet I'm a lot nerdier than she expects."

"I could go with you," Abby offered.

Connor looked at her curiously and then nodded, "Maybe. Maybe someday. But what's your secret, Abs?"

Abby hesitated and then said quietly, "My dad sold me."

"What?" Connor moved closer to her, draping his arm over her shoulder. "That can't be right, Abs?"

"He did. I remember my dad hurting me a lot; he'd beat me up when he'd had too much to drink. I always stood between him and Jack and that made it worse for me. Then when I was eight, he decided he needed money for drugs and he sold me to an uncle who … well he was a pedophile and so you can imagine what happened there. I'm not going to get into the details. I'm not even really sure he was my real uncle."

Connor tightened his hold on her, drawing her into a proper hug. He didn't say anything then; there weren't proper words to describe the kind of horror he felt. After a long time he dared to ask her, "But Abby, what about your mum?"

Abby shrugged and looked at her hands as they fiddled in her lap, "She abandoned us right after Jack was born. She was always out with friends and at parties. I don't even remember her really, other than feeling like she was never there. It barely made a difference when she actually moved out."

"Oh," Connor said quietly.

"Tell me another one of your secrets?" Abby asked suddenly, looking at him.

Connor shook his head, "I can't think of anything all that personal like yours is, Abs."

"It doesn't have to be. I just want you to know one more about me too and I want you to go first."

Connor thought for a long time before admitting to her, "I've never kissed anyone before."

Abby looked at him in surprise, "Never?"

Connor shook his head, "Girls tend to find me somewhat of a geek."

"There's geeky girls too though," Abby teased with a smile.

"Now who's making jokes when we're talking seriously?" Connor teased back, but he didn't really mind

"Sorry."

"Nah, it's alright," he answered before shrugging, "I wasn't interested in them I guess."

"Do you _want _to kiss someone, or are you waiting for the right girl?" Abby asked him, suddenly earnestly.

Connor shrugged, not catching onto where the conversation was headed, before replying, "Well I guess I'd go for it if the chance presented itself. Just to know what it's like, you know? I mean, it's just a kiss. Not like I'd be sleeping with her."

"Okay, well, if you aren't waiting then, you know, you're allowed to kiss me, for practice, if you like."

Connor's eyes widened and he stared at her. "Am I?"

"Sure, why not? Like you said, it's just a kiss."

Connor wondered if it'd be the wrong time to tell her that even if he was waiting for the right girl, she was it. Instead his eyes met hers and he grinned at her stubbornly. "Thanks Abby. Maybe I'll do that then. Maybe I'll kiss you, but what's your other secret first?"

"Why? You want to know if it's bad enough that I'm not kissable anymore?"

Connor looked at her, horrified with the suggestion, "Of course not, Abby! I just… I don't want you to forget to tell me, is all. For all we know, I'm the most mind-blowing kisser on the planet and you'll not remember anything after I kiss you."

Abby burst out laughing, "That's unlikely though, isn't it? Well alright then, I guess I owe it to you." Her demeanour turned serious again and she nearly whispered to him, "Connor, no one loves me."

Connor stared at her, confused, because he could personally avow that there was no way it was true. "Abby, what… why do you think that?"

Abby shrugged, "No one's ever said they love me: not my parents, not any of my dates, not my uncle, not anyone, ever, in my entire life."

Connor was fighting a battle with himself then. Abby deserved to know she was loved, but he wasn't sure she wanted _him _to love her. What if he told her and it ruined their friendship? "Abby, people love you. Maybe they just don't tell you because their scared. It's not easy telling someone you love them."

"Yeah? Well it's even harder living without ever hearing it," she retorted in a tone that suggested she didn't believe it was true.

Connor took a deep breath, because she was right, it'd be awful. He squeezed her shoulder a bit tighter and pressed his forehead to the side of hers. "Abby, I know you're loved, because _I _love you."

To his horror, Abby pushed him away and glared at him, "I didn't mean I wanted _you _to say it," she spat at him angrily.

She felt instantly bad when she saw the way his face fell and the hurt expression that crossed his eyes, but he just shrugged and stood up, "Sorry," he mumbled. "I'm going to bed."

"Connor, wait," she reached for his sleeve, holding him back a moment, because she knew she'd really messed up this time. She didn't know how to fix it though so she changed the subject, hoping he'd just forget about it. "What about that kiss?"

His pulled his arm free, "Forget it. I think I'll just wait for the right girl after all."

Abby buried her face in her hands as she burst into tears, but Connor was gone.

\\\\\\\\\\

An hour later, Abby lay in her own bed, but she hadn't stopped crying. It hadn't been supposed to be like that. She'd spent her entire life wanting someone to love her and the first time someone admitted it to her, she'd gone and made them hate her a moment later. She didn't know how she'd get Connor to forgive her this time, and she wasn't sure she deserved to be forgiven anyway.

Connor had explained to her that it was scary telling people that they were loved, but he'd forgotten to warn her that it was scary hearing it too. She hadn't known; she hadn't experienced it before. When he'd said it, her first thought was that it wasn't true: that he was saying it just because he felt bad that she'd never heard it. That's why she'd snapped at him. Who wanted their first "I love you," to be a pity fib? She sure didn't. She thought he'd ruined her first one for her.

And then she'd realised a moment later that he'd meant it, which pretty much made her the worst person in the world. She wasn't sure how she had tears left to cry, but her body continued to shake violently as the sobs racked through it and the pillow her face was buried in was soaked.

She jumped, startled, when she felt Connor's hand on her back, rubbing it gently.

"C-Connor?" she sat up to face him, in complete wonder that he was there.

Connor drew her into his arms. "Shhh, Abby, don't cry so much, yeah?"

Abby clung to him, burying her face into his chest, which made a nice change from the pillow. "Connor you shouldn't be here. You shouldn't care if I'm upset."

Connor shrugged, "Abs, I know that, I know you don't want me to care about you, but I do, yeah? I'm sorry I said it and all. I'm sorry I ruined your first "I love you," I should have let it be from someone who you loved back, who you'd want to hear it from. I'd take it back if I could. I'd let you choose someone better to say it to you, but… but it wouldn't stop me from feeling it, yeah? And so I'm still gonna care when I can hear you crying all the way from my room for an hour. I'm just, I'm an idiot sometimes, Abby. You know that."

Abby had slowly stopped crying as she listened with amazement to Connor rambling on about how much _he _had messed up. A smile slowly spread over her face, though she knew he couldn't see it. He still loved her! He hadn't repeated it, but his actions and words told her enough. She hadn't ruined everything then. Maybe it wasn't too late to fix this after all. And maybe, just maybe, if he still loved her, then _she _could be his right girl.

She hid her smile carefully, she was an expert at masking her emotions, as she looked up at him and whined, "It's not fair though, Con. You ruined my first "I love you", but then you don't let me ruin your first kiss. That should be your punishment. You _have _to kiss me instead of waiting for your right girl."

Connor's eyes widened, "Abby, I'm not so certain that's such a good idea."

"Why not? I think it's perfect revenge."

"_Because,_" Connor looked terrified as he tried to explain himself without making things worse, "Because of, you know, the thing I said, the one I can't repeat. It wouldn't really be ruining the kiss for me, would it? It wouldn't be punishment. I might just like it too much for that."

Abby shrugged, "Well, that'd be punishment in itself wouldn't it? You'd have to deal with those feelings, yeah? I think it's a suitable punishment. It was pretty major what you did after all."

Connor gulped and nodded and Abby leaned close to him. "So kiss me, Connor."

Connor leaned in, but stopped just before their lips touched, "I don't know what I'm doing, Abby."

"Obviously not," she whispered back. "Let me give you some advice. Kissing involves much less talking."

"But…"

Abby interrupted him, "Much _much _less talking. In fact, no words. Next step, you need to be a bit closer. Lips should be touching. It's an important part of it. Give it a try."

Connor pulled back even farther though as he let out a chuckle, "_Ab-by! _I _know _what a kiss is!"

Abby shrugged, smiling back at him, "Well for someone who knows so much, you're failing miserably at your first one. I said _closer _and _less talking. _You've gone and done the opposite, haven't you. Believe me on this one, Connor. I've kissed plenty of men before and it is _always _closer and quieter, never further and louder. Trust my experience, yeah?"

Connor laughed, he couldn't help it. "Sorry Abs, I'm not very good at shutting up, am I? Especially when I'm nervous. Let me try again."

"Okay," she agreed and sat waiting.

Connor made a motion with his hands that he was zipping his mouth closed so he couldn't talk anymore and leaned forward towards her again. This time his lips actually met hers, and as soon as they did, Abby sighed and placed a hand on the back of his head, pulling him closer to herself to deepen the kiss. She felt Connor respond willingly and eagerly and broke away only when she couldn't contain her smile anymore.

"That was much better," she said to him, keeping her forehead pressed against his. "You're a good kisser, actually. See how much better my idea of closer and quieter worked?"

Connor nodded, his eyes a bit wide as though he couldn't believe that that had just happened.

Abby grinned at him, "You were right though, Con. You are an idiot. You know you didn't ruin my first "I love you" right?"

Connor looked at her, puzzled, as he pulled back. "I didn't? But… but you said you didn't want it from me. You were mad about it. And then you cried and cried and cried. It doesn't sound to me like I did a very good job with it."

"You did fine," Abby smiled. "I thought… I thought maybe you didn't mean it. That's why I got mad. I didn't want my first one to be a lie is all. Then when I realised you meant it, I thought I was the worst person ever. I thought I'd ruined it by making you change your mind and hate me. That's why I was crying."

"Oh," Connor stared at her in disbelief a bit. He squirmed a bit as though he had a question he was dying to ask her and he wasn't sure he should.

"Yes, Connor?"

"Well, it's just… why'd you try to ruin me first kiss then? I mean, you didn't and all because I rather enjoyed that, but…"

Abby laughed, "I didn't try to ruin it, Connor. I was joking with you. I assume you can take a joke seeing as you're the one who has trouble being serious usually. I just thought maybe since you loved me and all, I could be your right girl. Has it ever occurred to you, Connor, that maybe I love you too?"

The look on Connor's face told her that it hadn't occurred to him. Not ever. Not even in his wildest dreams. "Maybe then," he hesitated and then grinned, "Maybe we could try that kissing thing a bit more often."

Abby nodded. "A lot more often," she agreed.

Connor immediately leaned forward to kiss her again, but like before, he pulled back to talk before actually doing it. The look Abby gave him was one of amusement.

"I know, I know," he said, "I'm still doing the closer and quieter thing wrong, I'll get it, really, but I just have to say this Abby, because it didn't turn out so well last time and I wanna do it proper. I love you, Abigail Maitland."

Abby grinned and tears of joy filled her eyes this time as she nodded, "I love hearing that."

She leaned forward to kiss him, but Connor caught her shoulder and held her at bay a moment longer, "And Abby, I'm not the only one. Everyone at the ARC, they love you too you know. Maybe not the same way I do, in fact, I really hope not, but in their own way they do. We're like a family there, see? Not like your family you had growing up, but like a proper good one. They love you. Even Lester."

"You think?"

"I know it, Abby. You love them, don't you?"

Abby thought about it and then nodded. "I guess I do."

"So see, I don't want you thinking anymore that no one loves you. Loads of people love you."

She smiled, "Thanks Connor." And then she took matters into her own hands and kissed him.

\\\\\\\\

A few minutes later they lay curled up in each others arms, neither wanting Connor to return to his own room for the night but both too tired and emotionally drained to do anymore than hold each other.

"I'm exhausted," Abby whispered to him. "Who knew talking and kissing could take so much out of one. I'm glad we did this, but tomorrow, you can go back to jokes if you want. And who knows, maybe next week I'll actually let you help me with my bending and my stretching."

Connor sighed, too far asleep to really understand what she'd said as he muttered, "Yeah… that'd be nice… stretching… and bending…"

Abby chuckled to herself as she listened to Connor ramble on in his half-asleep state.

"And talking… and kissing… and yoga… and everyone loves Abby. Rex loves Abby too."

Abby grinned and kissed him once more just to shut him up before falling asleep herself.


End file.
